


Monochromacy

by ohmyvalar



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, M/M, Open Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:13:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2028096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyvalar/pseuds/ohmyvalar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his experience in Afghanistan, Kaz returns with monochromatic vision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Un-beta'd, so all mistakes are mine and mine alone!

The world was a blur of violence and pain, an endless repetition of shades of bright, agonizing red. There had been a time when the man's world had been much wider than that, but now everything had been narrowed down to this little pinprick of pain, in a searing sea of simultaneous sensory overload and deprivation. Even when he wasn't hurting, the man distrusted the surreal lack of sensation. Too often, the momentary reprieves were just a simple prelude to another whole level of hell, and one that would hurt all the more if the man had harbored the thought that it was all finally over. 

Hope was a cruel thing to trust in; for it could so easily fail you. 

Then, out of the monotonous realm of semi-consciousness, a voice had broken through, rough and low. "Kaz? Kaz, it's me." A memory tugged at the back of the man's mind, then pulled itself loose from the bonds of his concentration. Kaz? It sounded so familiar. 

Somewhere in a deeper part of his brain, the man heard his own voice say, "I'm with you, Boss."

That brought everything back in a swirl of rare clarity. "Snake?" He muttered, in a voice he didn't recognize, croaky from disuse. It couldn't have been his own, could it? 

Hands were touching him, palms against the side of his face, but somehow the man didn't want to flinch away, not from the man touching him. The hands left him for the briefest of moments, and then Snake was hooking the aviator over his ears. 

When Kaz opened his eyes, the world was black and white. 

..............

It had only been less than a month, Kaz learnt, since he'd been captured and held captive. And yet it had been so much more than that. Kaz winced at the memories that threatened to flood; it was still all too visceral. 

Big Boss had set up a new Mother Base already, although it was still in the stages of building, and soldiers in Diamond Dogs uniforms milled around. Some were practicing with their equipments, and others were talking loudly in half-circles as they smoked, off-duty. 

Before, Kaz might have stopped by to at least greet them, and they would have snapped up a crisp salute. But now he hurried past them, trying to mask his discomfort, and the grim looks he received burned into his very skin. It wasn't their fault, but Kaz felt their apprehension all the same, and it ate at him like acid. 

Big Boss must have noticed, because he abruptly slowed his stride to match Kaz's pace. "Okay?" He asked, his voice low enough that only Kaz could hear him. Kaz nodded shortly. Snake's presence, while as welcome as it had always been, bothered him now because it brought out all he couldn't be anymore right to the surface. 

What a sight they must have made to the Diamond Dogs! Big Boss was as powerful and charismatic as he had always been, even after nine years in a coma, the very definition of a leader, and there was Kaz, crippled and still limping, the former confident second-in-command. The quality wasn't even something Kaz knew if he would ever regain. 

"Kaz." They had stopped walking, and Kaz blinked to attention when Big Boss leaned in close. "How's... Your sight?" The older man asked. 

Kaz looked up at the open sky above. The broad, endless sky had been a sort of solace for him ever since he'd been freed, a constant reminder that he was no longer a captive, but where there should have been miles of blue, all Kaz could see was shades of black and white.

It had been that way ever since his rescue. The medics on Mother Base had called it a sort of known condition- monochromacy. It was mostly hereditary, but known to be a side-effect of trauma. There was no known cure, but since it had been caused by trauma, the medics had said that there was a good chance that it would wear off on its own in time. They just didn't know when. 

Kaz could wait. He thought that perhaps it was kind of sad, even pathetic, that he had nothing he wanted to see badly enough in full color. After all, that was the kind of thing poets wrote in their haikus, wasn't it? Waxing romantic and swooning stanzas about how your one true love was supposed to make everything light up in technicolor. 

"It's... I'm still seeing things in shades of black and white. But I'll be fine," He quickly added, seeing Big Boss' concerned expression. He didn't want Snake's pity, and he wasn't sure if Big Boss had anything else to give right then. There was a strange aura about him lately; a brimming anger boiling just under his skin. Kaz understood it; felt the same twisted vines of hatred deep in his heart. It was one of the few things that drove him nowadays. 

Then Big Boss said quietly, "I've got you, Kaz," and placed a hand on Kaz's shoulder, the one still attached to a limb. Kaz suppressed the urge to flinch, but once he got over the initial fear on physical contact, he had to admit that Big Boss' hand had a welcome, grounding weight. 

Kaz swallowed. "Yeah, Boss." He managed, feeling choked by emotions that suddenly rose up in the form of a lump in his throat. 

............ 

There were no black and white people, Kaz knew. Anyone who thought that any singular person was either entirely evil or entirely good were wrong, and Kaz had understood that, even years before he'd joined MSF. 

People were a mirage of differing palettes of gray, each complex enough that judging them as just black or white was a futile effort. Big Boss was no different; Kaz genuinely liked him and respected him with all his soul, but there were things that he did that Kaz just couldn't agree with. 

But there was nothing gray about the way Big Boss settled into Kaz's bed in the dead of the night, when Kaz was encompassed in the darkness and all of the terror and apprehension it brought. 

The bed that had been assigned to Kaz was in no way a spacious one, but compared to the other Diamond Dogs' quarters, it was luxurious. Technically, Kaz was still the second-in-command, and even though he was still recuperating and off-duty, he was entitled to a larger, personal space, but this... 

Maybe it was just that the quarters had been upgraded along with their new Mother Base, but Kaz had the nagging idea that Big Boss had specifically arranged for him to have more comfortable quarters. 

Kaz would argue that he didn't need the charity, but deep down inside, he couldn't deny that he was glad that the bed was large enough to at least accommodate Big Boss, on the nights that he chose to slip in. 

And they were more frequent than not, those nights, when Snake would sneak under the covers when the sun had set and the sky was dark, with only the night-shift soldiers as the witness of their leader's unspoken espionage. 

Big Boss never bothered to be stealthy in Kaz's quarters- his weight when he sank down onto the bed would have been noticeable to Kaz anyway, with how light he slept nowadays. But he was always quiet, only speaking to reassure Kaz of his identity. Not that Kaz could ever mistake him for anyone else; years of working together as intimately as they had would never allow that. 

Sometimes it felt as if every little quirk and tendency of Big Boss' was ingrained into his very nerves. Kaz didn't think that he could ever detach himself from the man now, even if he tried. 

Nevertheless, Big Boss would murmur "Go back to sleep, Kaz," or occasionally, when Kaz was having one of his flashbacks or night terrors, hold him until he calmed down. And Kaz would let himself break down, if only for a few minutes, and hang on tightly to the warm, solid weight of Snake's body. 

If his cheeks were wet in the morning, and if he and Snake woke up entwined together in a variety of positions that Kaz would've thought of as awkward a lifetime ago, well. There was no one to witness it but Kaz and the empty sheets, when morning came. 

...........

Big Boss went off on a solitary mission weeks after Kaz's return to the Mother Base.

Kaz had been alerted to this by a couple of soldiers talking rather loudly outside his quarters, and froze in place for a fraction of a second. 

He'd known that this was inevitable, and that it would happen soon. Big Boss would go on a mission, and Kaz would be left on Motherbase, struggling to regain his mentality as second-in-command. 

But none of that hurt as much as the fact that Big Boss was going to be off on a mission, and Kaz wouldn't be there to help or advise him. It made him feel utterly useless and weak. 

As Kaz started off towards the launching pad as quickly as he could with his crutch, he spotted Revolver Ocelot looking at him quietly from across the deck. He ignored the man, and Ocelot made no move to approach him, either. 

Big Boss turned to face him as Kaz approached, strapping on the last of his supplies. "Yes, Kaz?" He asked, looking up from his equipment as Kaz finally stopped in front of him, leaning heavily on his crutch and trying to hide it. 

Seeing Big Boss like that, all packed up and ready to go, made all of Kaz's frustration melt away. Snake was going on a mission, and here he was, about to whine like a child when he was staying on Mother Base while Snake was risking his life out there. 

"Nothing, Boss. Just... Be careful." Kaz ended lamely. God, he hated how sappy he sounded. Big Boss nodded, evidently distracted, and Kaz felt guilt well up inside him. "I will, Kaz." Snake replied, his expression softening by a fraction as he took in Kaz's worn out appearance. 

Kaz had the ridiculous urge to step even closer and feel the heat and warmth emanating from that strong, hale body. He wished he had the older man's courage to just do it already, but that kind of intimacy had no place here, outside of the privacy of Kaz's quarters. 

As Kaz watched Big Boss get into a helicopter and rise up until it was a mere speck against the horizon, he felt Ocelot's gaze on him. When he turned to meet the man's eyes, the knowing look in them was much more difficult to meet then if they'd been mocking. 

..........

Ocelot caught up to him as he made his way back to his quarters, trying not to make his limp obvious. The Russian's spurs made their telltale sound against the floor, and Kaz stiffened and slowed down. When Ocelot's pace slowed equally in measure, he gritted his teeth and turned around. 

Kaz hadn't had the occasion to get to know the man personally, but from the soldiers' whispers- some in awe, some rather less flattering- Ocelot wasn't someone you wanted to cross. He'd been on Mother Base ever since Kaz had arrived, and he'd shown no signs of leaving. Kaz wasn't sure if he approved of Ocelot yet, but he and Big Boss seemed to share a certain amount of understanding and trust. 

"Miller." Ocelot greeted, with a slight inclination of his head. Kaz nodded tersely in return. 

"Do you mind if we move this to somewhere more private?" Ocelot asked, his tone deceptively light. Kaz narrowed his eyes, even though he knew the aviators would hide his expression. If Ocelot was half the soldier that Big Boss thought he was, he'd be able to sense the suspicion rolling off Kaz in waves anyway. 

"'This'?" Kaz questioned flatly. Ocelot smiled, baring a row of sharp, white teeth. "Yes, 'this'. John would like us to know each other better, I think." He replied, and damn it, but Kaz couldn't refute that. He gave Ocelot a tight nod, and the white-haired man promptly started off in the direction of Kaz's quarters. 

Ocelot's pace was slower than usual, but hardly condescending. There was a brisk spring in his steps, but Kaz didn't have to force himself to speed up to match his pace. The gratefulness he felt for the simple act made Kaz grit his teeth, but he couldn't deny that maybe Ocelot wasn't so bad after all. 

Entering his own quarters, Kaz sat down on the bed and watched as Ocelot moved languidly over to pull a chair close. There was a certain grace in his movements, and Kaz already knew that he was a skilled warrior, if his practices at the gun range on Mother Base were anything to go by. 

They could do much worse than have Ocelot as their second-in-command. The knowledge didn't make the selfish jealousy in Kaz's gut subside. 

Something about Kaz's expression must have betrayed his feelings, because the first thing Ocelot said was, "A penny for your thoughts, Miller?" There was definitely a glint in his eyes now.

Kaz glanced at him. "Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm thinking." He said. 

Ocelot's eyes were shimmering with mirth now. "And what would that be?" He pressed, leaning forward. 

There was a strange tension in the air now, something meaningful on a frequency that Kaz couldn't tune in on. Ocelot was inches away from him now, close enough for Kaz to feel the phantom sensation of his breaths against his skin. Kaz's own breath hitched in his throat, and he had the sudden paranoia that the Russian would be able to see through the rim of his aviators and sense his emotions anyway. It wouldn't even be much of a stretch in some of the tales the Diamond Dogs told of Revolver Ocelot. 

Amongst which were also the rumors that the spur wearing, cowboy garb donning soldier would soon be appointed as acting second in command by Big Boss. 

"Haven't you heard? The men think that you're going to be their new commander." Or maybe they just wanted a commander that could lead them into battle; one with whole limbs and a renowned skill for guns. 

Ocelot's posture abruptly relaxed; and he leaned back into his chair. Kaz saw, with a sinking feeling in his gut, that this had been what Ocelot had been aiming for this whole time, to bait him with faux charm and cunning smiles and then, ultimately, send him reeling into the pit of disgrace that some of the Diamond Dogs had already left him to rot in. 

But as Kaz watched on, Ocelot's smile gradually faded away, and a much more serious expression took its place. "John isn't going to replace you," He intoned, as if reciting from a book of well-known knowledge. His tone was sincere and solemn, and Kaz believed that he was telling the truth. 

"Not with me, at any rate." Ocelot amended dryly, after a pause. Incredibly, unbelievably, Kaz felt the beginnings of a grin tug at his muscles. At the same time, he felt a pang in his heart. It'd been a while since he'd smiled with any semblance of genuine happiness, even with Snake around, and he certainly hadn't expected to do so in front of Revolver Ocelot. 

A gleam had returned to the Russian's eyes. "Get well soon, Miller," Ocelot told him, rising from his seat and walking to the exit. Raising a hand, he forestalled Kaz's urge to stand up and follow him. 

"John will need you by his side before all of this is over, as his rightful second-in-command." 

...........

That night Kaz lay in his bed, which suddenly felt all too large without the familiar weight and warmth of Big Boss beside him. He closed his eyes; maybe if he shut off his senses, he could at least imagine being wrapped up in someone else's warmth. 

It was a terrible idea, and Kaz really fucking should've known better. 

Barely minutes after Kaz had relaxed enough to stop his eyelids from fluttering open restlessly, he heard the vague sound of footsteps approaching. A shudder ran through him. His guards' boots had made the exact same sound, when they came for his in his cell. More often than not, they had doubled as his torturers. 

No, no, that wasn't where his was, he was back safely at Mother Base... Kaz tried desperately to keep himself from panicking, but the sensation of pain painted a blood red blindfold on the back of his eyelids, trapping him in his nightmare. 

"Miller. Miller, wake up." A familiar voice was saying, but it was a million miles away and his ears were ringing strangely. 

Phantom sensations made his missing limbs tingle, and Kaz could feel the cold blade of the knives against his skin again. Suddenly, he was gasping for air, and everything was constricting down to one point, the burning sensation in his lungs. Kaz crawled at his throat desperately, trying to suck in more air, but he was choking, choking, choking and his lungs were burning- 

"Miller." The word was snapped out like a command, and that jerked Kaz enough out of it to hear it clearly. He held on tightly to that one strand of consciousness, his lifeline out of the horror he was relieving. 

Kaz's eyes snapped open, and he nearly arched off the bed when he saw a figure standing over him, fully prepared to swing at the intruder. 

The man parried Kaz's blows effortlessly, catching hold of Kaz's wrist and casually pressing the struggling man back down onto the bed. As the man came closer, Kaz swallowed what sounded embarrassingly like a choked sob. It took all of his will to resist curling up into a protective crouch at the head of the bed. 

But just when Kaz was about to move, the man turned and moved in the opposite direction. A moment later, the light must have been lit in the room, because Kaz could see his surroundings lighten into shades of white and gray, instead of complete darkness. 

This time, as the man moved towards the bed again, Kaz could make out that it was Ocelot. A sigh escaped his lips before Kaz had known it would, and the sound seemed to shock them both. Kaz hadn't known that he'd almost come to trust Ocelot instinctively. After all, the Russian had had no reason to reassure him about Snake's decisions. 

Or maybe he was just getting close to Kaz for the chance to backstabbing him, and that shock on his face had been because he hadn't expected Kaz to cave so easily. 

Taking a deep breath, Kaz told himself to calm down. Big Boss was still away on his mission, and they both knew that if Ocelot really wanted to hurt him, Kaz couldn't do much more than fight to his last breath. 

Feeling much more level-headed, Kaz lifted his gaze to meet Ocelot's eyes. The Russian's gaze was unwavering as he stared right back at Kaz, as if he knew all of Kaz's fears and wanted to alleviate them. 

In his black-and-white, film-like vision of his surroundings, Kaz suddenly felt himself wishing that he could see Ocelot's eyes in their real color. Reputably, the Russian's eyes were an electric blue, hard and cold, but now Kaz wondered if they were softer, like Ocelot's expression as he looked at him then. 

As if realizing his slip, Ocelot's lips thinned. A mere fraction of a second later, his serious expression was back in place, and Kaz thought belatedly that he much preferred Ocelot's blade-sharp smiles. 

"I... I had a flashback. I didn't recognize you." Kaz didn't apologize. Ocelot wouldn't want him to, at any rate. Ocelot would understand that it was no fault of Kaz's, even if he was one of the only few people who seemed to nowadays. 

Ocelot nodded shortly, accepting the fact immediately, without relinquishing his eye contact with Kaz. As the silence dragged on, Kaz became unbearably conscious of a distinct undercurrent in the air, a charged tension that he was reluctant to pin down. 

Because he didn't know what Ocelot wanted. Kaz didn't know if the sudden thrumming in the air was related to the Russian's unrelenting gaze, or if he was just so desperate that he was imagining it all. 

For a moment more, they stared at each other, the crippled second-in-command of Diamond Dogs, sweat still plastered to his skin from his flashback, and the notorious Russian interrogationist. 

Then Ocelot drew back, and said in a voice so quiet that Kaz barely caught the words at all, "Move aside, Miller." 

Kaz opened his mouth to argue, or speak, but the words left him as he felt Ocelot slide his body fluidly into the bed beside him. Out of reflex, Kaz shifted sideways, enough so that Ocelot could lie down fully and occupy the space Big Boss usually took. The fabric of Ocelot's clothes brushed against Kaz's back, and Kaz felt an electric tingle dancing against his skin, through the thin nightshirt he had on. 

It was a strange sensation, the thought and feel of a another person in his bed after Afghanistan, and a man no less. With Snake, it was different; Snake had been the one to bring him into this whole mess altogether, and for that Kaz was eternally grateful to whatever celestial beings that could possibly have led him to his boss, no matter how their first meeting had gone. 

Whatever force had brought Kaz to Big Boss, Kaz already knew that the man now occupied an irreplaceable position in his heart. It was true, although Kaz would never admit to anyone, sappy as it sounded. 

But Ocelot... The Russian, although allegedly having joined forces with Big Boss, was still mysterious in many ways. Before today, Kaz wouldn't have considered him an ally, and even now, Kaz didn't know how much he trusted Ocelot. 

But now they were lying together, in Kaz's bed, and Ocelot was close enough that Kaz could feel the reclusive warm emanating from the other man's frame. Kaz felt uncomfortably aware of every single movement they both made; the slightest motion brought inevitable contact, but while Kaz was high-strung and almost wary, Ocelot seemed relaxed and bemused, if his soft chuckles were any indication. 

"Sleep." Ocelot said, and it was neither a command nor a suggestion, but to Kaz the word felt strangely compelling in his worn-out state, and he drifted off to sleep quickly, the goddess of sleep drawing him into her bosom. 

His dreams were filled with images of guns and revolvers, swift ocelots and their prey, unseen to Kaz's eyes. There was blood and gore in the scenes- the nights when those elements didn't play a role in Kaz's dreams were rare now- but for once, all Kaz felt was the grim determination whenever he stepped onto a battlefield, and not the terror of being on the receiving side of pain. 

They weren't pleasant dreams, by any means, not by a long shot. But it was an infinite improvement from startling awake with a soundless scream shaping his lips. 

...................

Kaz woke to the sensation of the sheets shifting. Snapping awake instinctively, Kaz turned to his side, and caught Ocelot's gaze right before it slid away from his face. The Russian stood up abruptly, and reached down to pull his coat, cast aside at the foot of the bed, on. Then he moved, his usual grace visible even in the relative darkness, to the window, where he drew the curtains open. 

The first rays of sunlight filtered into the room, bright enough to light up the surroundings but light enough not to hurt Kaz's eyes. Kaz turned on his stomach to watch Ocelot. The Russian's back was turned towards him, and the light cast a pale halo around his frame. Not quite an angel, but perhaps an avenging soldier whose loyalty lay, at least for the moment, with one whose mission was guided by whichever god would heed Kaz's infrequent prayers. 

For the sake of both Big Boss and Ocelot, and even himself, Kaz sure hoped so. 

Skill, grace, and just the right pinch of cruelty to get things done well and efficiently. Those were the qualities Kaz thought Ocelot possessed. He didn't know what Big Boss saw in Ocelot; hell, he didn't even know how far their history went and how twisted their long relationship of comradeship and betrayals was. 

But just for that one moment, Kaz wanted to trust Ocelot; even felt that he could place his trust in the man, despite all the things he didn't know about him. Because in that moment, as Ocelot turned around, color seeped back into his vision, like a watercolor painting slowly unveiled. And maybe it was an illusion cast by Kaz's lost senses' sudden return, but the light around Ocelot shone like a thousand splendid suns, illuminating every feature of the man. 

They were strong features, but Kaz had already known that, even without color palettes in his repertoire. But those blue eyes- electric blue, pulsing with intensity and ruthlessness; those looked infinitely different from how they had looked with Kaz's limited sight. Those eyes could be hard and unforgiving, but right then, they were relaxed, a light shade of blue like the sky on a particularly pleasant day. 

The door slid open with the barest of sounds, and Kaz reflexively turned his head to see Snake making his way in. As he watched, Big Boss seemed to make a short pause when his gaze fell on Ocelot, and something indecipherable flitted in his dark eyes, and was gone. 

Big Boss uttered a soft growl, and then moved as if to leave the room, but Kaz reached out, and with some difficultly, caught his arm with a light clasp. Snake's arm, as always, felt strong in Kaz's grasp, all muscles and hidden strength. 

But that was not all there was to Snake. No, Kaz knew that Snake had his emotional, if not vulnerable, moments too, and he instinctively knew that there was something happening here, even if they didn't know what it was yet. 

This moment belonged to the three of them, together in this room, if not together in mind and allegiance. It was a beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Kaz and Ocelot bake a cake, feelings are realized and there is the beginning of the inevitable end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, un-beta'd, so all mistakes are mine and mine alone!

The days that followed were good. 

Not perfect- despite everything they had recovered now, him and Snake, Kaz couldn't imagine anything ever being perfect again. There were always the bad nights; night terrors and horrifying visions, flashbacks and silent screams in the dark, but even those were slowly fading now. 

Their vision together as the MSF had been destroyed. Now, there was only space in their hearts and minds for devastating, bloody revenge, riddled with bullets and gunfire. It wouldn't be pretty, but it was all the Diamond Dogs had now. Their dream of the ideal military outpost, free from the limits and discrimination of nationalities, race and gender had been utterly destroyed, and none of them would be content with simply moving on and rebuilding MSF. 

No, the same burning rage boiled in Kaz, the all-consuming hatred for those who had done this to them, who had condemned them all to this fate: to be hunting dogs, forever relentless, at the heels of their enemies until their own twisted justice was meted out. 

There would be much more bloodshed before this was all over, Kaz knew. War never was kind to its murderous vessels. But even that would have to be a sacrifice in the greater scheme of things now; before their enemies were destroyed and exhumed and history was re-written in bloody pages of the Diamond Dogs' grim revenge. 

Kaz felt it acutely; first once the residual fear and panic from the torture had faded and the pain from still-healing scars had overrode the more cowardly emotions, then when the wrath of Big Boss and the Diamond Dogs had been clear for all to see. His missing limbs ached from a phantom pain, and his heart with burning fire from all that they had lost; their ideals, their men, their years of time. 

For Kaz still ached, even if it were hidden deep his heart, for the more peaceful days, when it had been just him and Snake against the rest of the world. Building a home of their own. 

Those days were in the past now. Kaz's missing arm and leg throbbed with a never quite fading pain, and that pain kept the raging fire in his heart hot. Kaz wouldn't trade revenge for peace now, even if Big Boss himself changed his mind. 

Things had mildly calmed now. Ever since things had settled after Snake's return, together with Ocelot and Kaz, and it had become apparent that the long path towards desired revenge was slowly being paved, Mother Base had become less restless and more tranquil. 

Of course, it was only peace as far as a group of hardened, bitter mercenaries were concerned. Violence was never lacking; night terrors and sudden rampages were not uncommon, though well controlled and limited by Big Boss' iron fist. 

Since Big Boss' return, the progress of rebuilding all units of Mother Base had sped up remarkably, a testament of how much Snake's leadership meant to the Diamond Dogs. As the various buildings began to take shape and become utilizable, Kaz noticed that his vision too was recovering, streaks of colors returning to his world in leaps and bounds. 

Even the fire in Kaz's heart had tamed. It was by no means extinguished, but Kaz had no choice but to be patient if it meant surviving to see their enemies fall from grace. He didn't want to, but he would wait. Snake deserved that much. 

Weeks after Kaz's full recovery, he had been officially reappointed as sub-commander, a position that confirmed his privilege as Big Boss' right-hand man. There was no grandiose ceremony or celebration. Kaz didn't want one anyway. Fleeting fame and glory didn't matter any more to him, not as much as revenge. 

Ocelot's awarded role of interrogator placed his importance as second only to Big Boss and Kaz. Ocelot had previously shown his capabilities and skill for extracting information, besides the crucial role he had played in Mother Base's revival, so even Kaz could only grudgingly accept it for the wise decision that it was, 

The newly posted interrogation master's relationship with Kaz was still tainted with streaks of conservation, but Kaz could live with that. He trusted Ocelot with his life and Snake's as long as their motives were still similar, as little as that might mean, with most of his operations limited to Mother Base. But he still knew Ocelot less than he would've liked, and hence trusted him less than he probably should. 

He and Ocelot had vastly different opinions about how to handle most of the important matters, and in the heat of the moment Kaz would lash out in front of the Diamond Dogs. But once he had stormed back off into his private quarters, the anger would be directed back to their enemies, as fuel for revenge. Big Boss' choices, especially when he chose to value Ocelot's opinion over his, rankled at the least and mostly frustrated him endlessly, but Kaz had seen the effects of some of Ocelot's decisions. 

Kaz might not agree to them in public, but even he knew when he should admit defeat to a fellow comrade. 

\---

Ocelot, as the head of the Intel Unit, spent most of his time on Mother Base, gathering and extracting information from the prisoners brought back from Snake's missions. 

Technically, Kaz and the Russian's Units operated on different struts of Mother Base, but the two commanders' paths crossed more often than not, especially when they both served as Big Boss' advisors and radio support during missions. 

The excuse of duty ended there. Kaz had no convenient reason to explain away his other routines with the Russian, including their shared tables at the Mother Base canteen. 

The habit had started in the earlier days, when it had been necessary to show a united front to the men. In the beginning, there had been signs of the start of dissent between the rivaling factions that supported Kaz or Ocelot respectively. There had never been a question of Big Boss' overall leadership, but the position of sub-commander had been up in the air for as long as Big Boss hadn't announced it formally. 

To avert the disastrous possibility of civil strife amongst the Diamond Dogs, which he trusted that Ocelot didn't wish for either, Kaz had made a point of being seen together with Ocelot in public. 

The men needed leaders who at least appeared to be cordial allies leading them into battle. And even if Kaz could no longer ride up to the front lines, well, keeping Mother Base mostly peaceful and reducing casualties from civil strife was the least he could ensure. 

Meanwhile, Kaz had gotten accustomed to taking his meals in the company of the interrogator, gotten used to the heavy gaze behind the electric blue eyes as they sometimes settled on him. Before, Kaz would have met them level, challenging and defiant. Now, most days, Kaz opted instead to duck his head and bury himself in the meal, in the sounds of clinking cutlery and the din in the canteen hall. 

It wasn't that Kaz had gotten used to Ocelot's presence. No, that couldn't be it. He couldn't afford for it to be. 

The meals usually passed in relative silence. Ocelot was far from introverted, but he did not seem to see any point in engaging in small talk. Kaz preferred his silence, and was just fine with it. If Ocelot ever wondered about Kaz's insistence on their lunch dates, he never voiced his thoughts. Maybe he, too, saw the ritual for what it was- plain politics. 

Aside from himself and Ocelot, Kaz always brought along a couple of trustworthy soldiers, and Ocelot usually had one or two subordinates around. More than from distrust, the arrangement stemmed more from tradition. It was a symbol of Kaz and Ocelot's authority and status, second only to Big Boss.

Privately, Kaz thought that it was also a good way to maintain the professional atmosphere between them. There, in the canteen hall, with uncountable pairs of Diamond Dogs eyes on their commanders, and the soldiers right beside them, there was no place for the strangely intimate dynamic that had grown between them in Kaz's bedroom. 

But right when Kaz had grown accustomed to the silence between them, Ocelot would suddenly say something ridiculous like "You should eat more vegetables", right out of the blue, and Kaz would splutter while the surrounding soldiers coughed and tried their best to hide their amusement, watching Ocelot leave the table with the slightest hint of a smile on his usually solemn face. 

Kaz supposed that even his closest soldiers thought that he was being too cautious and uptight around Ocelot, especially since they were in the heart of Mother Base. 

Kaz thought differently. Ocelot was dangerous, even if they were currently allies. 

Those nights, he would lay down in bed, slipping in and out of dreams plagued by razor-sharp blue eyes and faint, concealing smiles, only to be jerked back to wakefulness by Snake's mumbles in his sleep. 

\----

The idea for the celebration was first suggested to him by Pilot Pequod. 

Kaz's uneven footsteps clicked a unsteady rhythm down the hallway, as Pilot Pequod followed, a respectful few steps behind. Probably, Kaz thought, resigned, to prevent the awkward situation in which the pilot overtook Kaz and unwittingly highlighted his sub-commander's disability. 

"What is it?" The slightest shade of impatience tinged his tone. The pilot had been tailing him for a while now, and Kaz would rather he just get whatever it was over with, even if it wasn't particularly music to his ears. 

Pequod saluted, looking uncharacteristically hesitant. "Sub-commander, sir." A glare, evident even behind Kaz's ever-present shades, prompted Pequod into speech. "It's just that... Boss' birthday is coming soon, sir. " 

Kaz stopped in his tracks, prompting an abrupt halt in the progression of Diamond Dogs serving as his entourage. 

"I know that you probably already have preparations in place, sir!" The pilot added hastily, halting in time. "But Morpho and I have some ideas, sir. Since it's Boss'... Boss' first year back with us, sir. We'd like to make it special for him." 

And it might be one of the last with most of the Diamond Dogs, Kaz knew. The grand scheme of their revenge had been set, and they all knew that many lives would be lost in their vengeance, enemy or ally. 

And he'd completely forgotten about it. Kaz would've liked to blame it on his administrative workload as both Head of the Base Development Unit and Sub-Commander of the Diamond Dogs, but the truth was that the current workload was hardly more than the one he had handled in his MSF days. And Kaz had always remembered Snake's birthday, because... 

He had had Paz and the rest of the company to remind him of it. Kaz's fingers clenched into a tight fist around his crutch, his eyes squeezed shut behind his aviators as the mixture of painful images threatened to overwhelm him. The physical pain helped block out his psychological pain. He didn't want to make a scene here, in front of his soldiers. 

He wanted to be a commander who the men trusted, to lead them into battle. Not a man, hiding in the shadows of his present because he was too afraid of the demons of his past. 

When his eyes flickered open again, there was a hand on his good arm, and concerned whispers amongst the Diamond Dogs. Kaz clenched his teeth, and forced himself to keep his voice level. 

"Understood. We'll... Discuss this later. Thanks, Pequod. " Kaz finally said, nodding in reassurance at the soldier by his side. 

Pequod crisply saluted once again, then fell out of the line of Kaz's entourage.

Kaz continued down the hallway, quickening his steps, determined to recover his composure as quickly as possible. The faster he walked, the more irregular his pace, and the unsteady rhythm made by the crutch echoed down the hall, a silent mockery.

The soldiers paces behind Kaz were silent except for the largely uniform click-clack of their standard-issue military boots, leaving Kaz to his own frustrated thoughts. He'd sworn to himself that he'd gotten over this- this weakness... If not totally, at least in public. And Snake's birthday... He couldn't believe that it'd slipped his mind. No, he still had some time to fix it now...

Rounding the corner, Kaz could hear low snippets of conversation. Resolving to stride right past, he raised his head and maintained his quick pace, determined not to stumble.

... And nearly walked straight into Ocelot. Reflexively, Kaz reached out to steady himself, and felt an answering hand on his arm, though more supportive than otherwise. The gaze that met Kaz's eyes was questioning but calm. It was a look that Kaz had often seen the red-scarfed Russian direct at the Diamond Dogs; not kind exactly, but a firm, yet strangely gentle and reaffirming. It was different from Big Boss' grounding and awe-inspiring gaze, and certainly different from his own, whenever Kaz could muster up enough courage to look himself in the eye in the mirror now. 

It was the gaze of an inspiring commander, Kaz supposed. Perhaps Ocelot's gaze did not betray as much inner strength as Snake's did, but it was a gaze which soothed and had won the favor of the Diamond Dogs. 

But right now, with his confidence and morale having just taken a hit, it just felt like the Russian was being patronizing. And Kaz did not like being patronized. 

Sucking in a breath, Kaz stepped back, letting Ocelot's hand fall from his arm without ceremony. He turned his gaze to the soldier Ocelot had been conversing with, instead. The last thing he wanted was to make a scene now. 

Morpho the pilot snapped up into a quick salute. "Sir." With a sinking feeling, Kaz had a premonition of what the pilot and the master interrogator had been discussing about. "Uh, I trust that Pequod's posted the suggestion to you, sir?" The pilot ended off the sentence with a hopeful tune. 

Beside him, Ocelot arched an eyebrow with interest. "Yes, he did," Kaz muttered in reply, prompting a beam from Morpho. "Good! I, uh, I'll leave you to it then, sir. " With another salute for both Ocelot and Kaz, the pilot made his leave. As if by some unseen cue, the entourage behind Kaz snapped up in a unison of salutes that would've been worthy of a parade march, and retreated back down the hallway before Kaz could speak a word. 

Left alone with each other in the hallway, the two right hand men of Big Boss exchanged a glance. 

-

The sound of footsteps continued to echo down the hallway, but at a slower pace, as the two men established a comfortable rhythm. 

To the eyes of any passing Diamond Dogs, they probably seemed like two stoic superiors deep in discussion about confidential military matters, Kaz thought wryly. In truth, the two men's conversation had taken an awkward, almost comedic turn. 

It had been a while since Kaz had been alone with the interrogation master, and Kaz couldn't recall a recent occasion when they'd been discussing anything other than professional matters. 

The two men walked in silence for a while, before the Russian finally broke the silence. "Morpho said that he'll leave the cake to us." Ocelot quipped, a wry note in his tone. 

Kaz managed to maintain stoical for a split second, before he spluttered out, "Why us? We're his superiors, for God's sake!" 

In his mind, the image of the two of them standing in the kitchen, trying to persuade the soldiers on duty week for cooking meals to help them bake a cake appeared. A horrifying image, indeed. 

His outburst was met with resilient silence from Ocelot. Glancing to his side in disbelief, he found Ocelot staring resolutely ahead, not meeting his gaze and not even trying to hide it. "Well, I thought it would be a good way to show appreciation for the Boss. By making it special." 

Something in Ocelot's solemn tone and uncharacteristic words tug at a string in Kaz's heart. 

Kaz fell silent for a moment, reorganizing his thoughts. "Well, if you put it that way..." 

He certainly hadn't expected that from Ocelot. Kaz knew that Ocelot and Snake shared a bond fueled by mutual admiration, but from the usual indifferent manner Ocelot interacted with everyone, even Snake... Kaz hadn't expected that even Ocelot would have such a sentimental side to him, especially regarding a matter like this. 

But perhaps it was no surprise, because this was Snake's birthday they were talking about. 

"Let's go, then." Ocelot replied. If he was surprised by Kaz's sudden change in attitude, he didn't question it. It was disconcerting sometimes, how the Russian seemed to be able to take everything in his stride, though perhaps even more so because Kaz could not read him well enough to know if Ocelot had actually gleaned some sort of information from him without his realization. 

-

The situation they were faced with in the kitchen, in actuality, differed from Kaz's predictions. 

"You're here, sirs! " The cook beamed, raising a chain of teaspoons to his forehead in a clumsy salute. Kaz managed to make a affirmative sound in the back of his throat to cover up his shock. It certainly seemed that Morpho and Pequod had done their job well. 

Or maybe the whole of Mother Base was in on it, with the exception of Snake and that wolf-pup that Snake had picked up on a recent mission. Hell, maybe even D.D. was, considering who his caretaker was. 

-

Which was how Kaz found himself in the middle of the canteen's kitchen, alone with the Russian interrogator and with a whisk in his hand. 

"It says here... To preheat the oven... to an approximate temperature of 350 degrees." Kaz read off the well-used recipe the cook had left on the table. The sheet was tinged with a coffee-stained pallor, and it was crumpled to the point that he hand-written instructions took some effort to decipher. 

He was leaning against the counter of the kitchen, whisking the bowl of batter filled with spoonfuls of flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon and cardamom. Opened and untied packets of various ingredients lay spread out on the counter, where there had been some confusion about the contents of each bag. 

The mechanical buzzing sound of an electric mixer set the backdrop for their current mission- to bake a cake in preparation for Snake's birthday celebration. 

From the oven, where he was trying to get the oven to operate, Ocelot raised his head. "Right," he replied, reaching over to tweak the buttons and switches on the oven, where he knelt. After a short pause, a faint humming sound came from the machine. 

Peering over at the contents of the electric mixer, Kaz poured the previously prepared eggs from a bowl into the mixture, biting back a curse when sticky liquid almost splattered out of the mixe. "Well shit," he muttered under his breath, setting down the bowl again with cautious care. 

Taking a sip from the opened bottle of liquor that sat just in reach, Kaz paused to double-check the label, just in case. He'd heard horror stories of recruits mixing up bottles of baking soda with fine-grade liquor. 

Kaz pulled a chair over with his crutch, leaning against a wall. This wasn't so bad, after all. Sure, it was different from scrapping together a meal with military rations, but he and Ocelot could manage it by themselves just fine. 

Satisfied with the oven's preparations, Ocelot stood up and walked up to Kaz. Wordlessly, Kaz handed the recipe over to him. The next step required spooning the mixed batter onto a pan, a task Kaz would rather be left to the Russian. There was only so much Kaz could do with one arm and a crutch, no matter how much he wished otherwise. 

Their hands brushed. The simple gesture brought a warm heat which seemed to seep through from his fingertips into the depths of Kaz's heart. It lasted but a split second, but Kaz missed it even before it was gone. 

Ocelot withdrew his hand, reaching over Kaz to the counter behind him to retrieve the cooking spray. Kaz leaned back in his chair, looking up at Ocelot thoughtfully, liquor bottle in hand. 

The atmosphere in the kitchen now was strangely domestic, and Kaz could count with his remaining fingers the situations on Mother Base that could be classified under that category. 

Ocelot's answering glance met Kaz's gaze level. The Russian's blue eyes were a sea of calm, with a depth and versatility that reminded Kaz of the deep, wide ocean. On the surface all was tranquil, but one could never tell when a wave was rising. 

Their gazes locked, both challenging the other to look away first. The air between them seemed to come alive. Here, they each had a worthy opponent in the other. Should their motives have differed, it would've been a rivalry for the ages. 

Wars had been fought over less. 

But they were both here now, standing at the edge of Hell, beside and with Snake, in heart and soul, so the only thing they were competing for was Snake's favor. 

Kaz remembered the warmth of Ocelot's hand. His remaining hand curled into a fist around the neck of the bottle. The fire of the liquor had burned down his throat; now, it warmed and coiled deep in his gut. 

He tilted his head upwards, and Ocelot leaned in, closing in the distance between them almost imperceptibly, torturously slow. The world narrowed down to a tunnel vision, and Kaz was acutely aware of Ocelot's presence, just as he always had been, he realized now. Except now there was nothing but Ocelot, and Kaz found that he didn't want to look away. 

All the while, they inched forward, closer and closer to each other. He could feel the Russian's breaths, surprisingly minty against his cheeks. This was dangerous, Kaz thought. He should look away now, forget that they had ever let this happen. There is no space left for anything but revenge in your heart now. Ocelot's gaze was heavy, locking him in place. His blue eyes were alight, bright, too bright- for a moment, Kaz almost thought that his vision had regressed back into shades of black and white again, with only Ocelot's cerulean eyes lit up in technicolor. 

The curve of Ocelot's lips was lifted in a small smile, that same smile that Kaz thought patronizing; comfortable, amiable, unreadable. 

Kaz wanted to wipe that almost haughty expression off his face, and leaned in to do just that. 

The sudden movement gave neither man enough time to react; and then their lips were touching. And suddenly Kaz was hungry, the immediate need welling up and overwhelming him from deep within, where he'd somehow managed to subconsciously bury all his secret longings and darkest desires. 

He had always been a tactile person, even in the MSF days, a lifetime, an age ago. But now the only person who indulged him with physical contact- the only person Kaz would allow to- was Snake, and even that wasn't yet enough to fulfill what Kaz really craved. 

But this- this was Ocelot, the reliable and indifferent interrogations master, who looked unnervingly calm and collected even during torture sessions. Kaz had seen enough of those, had experienced them even, to know that there were many other ways they could go down. Ocelot would be able to handle him; he could take the worst and most pathetic parts of Kazuhira Miller, and file that information away in that cunning mind for all Kaz cared, until Kaz could feel normal enough to go about his daily routine again without feeling like he might fall apart inside at any moment. 

This- this was what he had always wanted, even when he hadn't realized it, and Kaz didn't care about the possibility that he was playing straight into Ocelot's cards anymore. 

So Kaz reached up with his good hand and carded his fingers through Ocelot's white hair, pulling their lips together again with more force than necessary, letting the Russian hoist him up until he was standing again. And then they were up against the kitchen wall, his back against the rough bricks, and they were still joined by the mouth. His crutch fell with a clang to the side, but Kaz didn't care. 

Ocelot's response was more passive, but Kaz could tell that he welcomed the sudden contact. The Russian was surprisingly pliant under Kaz's fueled assault, but he participated with equal enthusiasm when Kaz decided to make the kiss less chaste by adding tongue. He wondered when Ocelot, usually so proper and business-like, had last done something like this. The Russian interrogator didn't seem unexperienced, but Kaz couldn't imagine the other man hooking up with some soldier in a dark corner of Mother Base. 

Perhaps in his younger days... Kaz wondered absentmindedly. He thought about a younger Snake, and a younger Ocelot. What had it been like, when they had first met? From what Kaz had heard- though not from Snake himself- they had been on different sides of the Cold War. What had been the catalyst for the Ocelot now, twenty years in the future, still standing by Snake's side, if he really wasn't playing the same game on both sides of the board? 

Had he been drawn to Snake the same way Kaz had been, all those years ago, falling under that rugged charm and grand ideal? 

Had he and Snake been lovers? 

The thought sparked strange feelings in Kaz; perverse interest and green jealousy, all mixed together in the batter with a pinch of forlorn despair. 

He pushed the unwelcome feelings to the back of his head. Right now, he only needed to concentrate on the present; with luck, Ocelot would even go back to his usual casually amiable but indifferent manner after this as if nothing had happened, and never ask the questions that he never did, because Kaz didn't have the answers. 

For now, Kaz kissed Ocelot hard, bringing their mouths together again and again with bruising force, like Ocelot was truly the depthless ocean that his eyes were and Kaz was a man who'd been thirsty for as long as he could remember. 

If Ocelot wondered at Kaz's frenzied desperation, he didn't stop him. Instead, he let Kaz take whatever it was that he needed, and reciprocated with just enough fervor to satisfy Kaz's ego. 

It was only until Kaz's fingers left his hair and began fumbling around with his belt that Ocelot broke the kiss, not gently, but not unkind either. Kaz leaned away, his breaths coming in huffs as he struggled to rewire his brain to working condition. It'd just been so damn long, and this was Ocelot, damn it. The fact that the Russian's chest was rising and falling at a distinctly faster rhythm than before didn't help either. 

He glanced up at Ocelot's face, his eyes challenging. The other man's expression was unreadable, but his debauched red lips and his dilated irises told a different story. "What, saving it for your special someone, are you?" Kaz taunted, just to see the answering disapproval in those electric blue eyes. 

To Kaz's disappointment, Ocelot stepped away. With a wry look on his face, the other man fixed his belt. "And here I thought you were the one saving yourself for the Boss." 

The words cut through Kaz like a razor-sharp knife. Well, that was a low blow. Given Ocelot's skill at manipulation and nailing people's weaknesses, Kaz shouldn't have been surprised. 

Briefly, Kaz considered lashing out in anger, then dismissed the idea quickly. That wouldn't do any good but give Ocelot more ammunition against him. Finally, Kaz let out a long sigh that was more parts self-derision than condescending. 

"Snake doesn't... We're not." I can't do that to him, Kaz added silently. Nothing had changed in their relationship since nine years ago. Snake still cared for him as much as he did, but it wasn't enough or even channelled in the right direction. Sometimes Kaz thought that Snake did know the full extent of Kaz's feelings, which were confusing to himself at best. But to act now, to force both of them to reconsider their feelings for each other, would be something closer to taking advantage of the pity that Kaz knew Snake felt for what he had lost. 

Most of the time, Kaz wasn't sure which he hated more- Snake's pity, or the part of him that wanted to take advantage of it. 

An indecipherable emotion flickered in Ocelot's blue eyes. He didn't say anything. He didn't need to; Kaz could feel the sympathy the other man felt, heavy and hanging in the air between them. 

A timer dinged. Silently, Kaz moved to add the needed ingredients into the electric mixer. This time, he remembered to press the button to reduce the speed of the mixing first. 

-

It used to be blood and fear, monsters from hell and human-shaped demons alike that terrorized Kaz's dreams. Now, it was blue eyes like shards that cut through Kaz's feeble defenses, eyepatches left on the nightstand, and the ominous thoughts of complicated, ambiguous strings that tied Snake, Ocelot and himself together in this whole mess. 

In his dreams, the strings were a blood-stained red, twisting and tying knots far too complicated for human eyes to follow. Strings that none of them could see the whole picture of. Strings that slowly sapped them each of their strength, until it was too late for anyone to leave alone, unscathed. 

Kaz wasn't sure which was the lesser evil anymore. 

-

Snake's birthday arrived on the eve of the next mission in Afghanistan. 

The preparations were set; the landing platform was vacated, the Diamond Dogs on duty were either retiring or hidden around the corner, and the cake was ready with Huey, Kaz and Ocelot. The fireworks were readied to set off when Kaz gave the cue. Kaz had already contacted Big Boss and transmitted the hoax message; now all they had to do was wait for Snake to return to Mother Base. 

For once, Kaz was actually in a good mood. The fact that the entirety of Mother Base could and had come up with this idea together was heartening in a way that was indescribable. For today, Kaz decided. Just for today, he could escape reality and pretend that everything was right again.

So when Snake returned to Mother Base, Kaz greeted the Boss with a smile. 

The mere action of smiling, once so simple as a thought, now pulled on disused muscles and summoned forgotten feelings. Kaz couldn't remember the last time he had smiled like this, genuinely happy for a friend, and not some pitiful simulacrum of forced affection or self-loathing. It felt relieving, even though he knew that it couldn't last.

"Happy birthday, Snake." Kaz said after, when the crowd of Diamond Dogs had dispelled, most likely to gather again in the canteen, where things were set to get rowdy for the night. Let them take it, Kaz thought privately. There was no reason for him to be the only man on Mother Base living in a happier past today. 

The setting sun painted the horizon in pastel hues of orange, washing the bridge alight in calming shades of fading sunlight. The evening breeze swept by with a whisper, pulling the edges of Kaz's overcoat with it. The faint smell of smoke swirled in the air. 

Snake was leaning against the railings of Mother Base's bridge, cigar in hand, looking out onto the horizon. Without him turning around, Kaz knew that Snake was wearing that pensive look again, with just a little hint of a frown. A worn man, battered and wearied by war. Weren't they all. 

"Kaz." Snake acknowledged, as Kaz moved over to stand by his side. For a moment they were silent. The bridge was quiet today, the absence of the Diamond Dogs transforming the war base into an illusion of tranquility and peace. Ocelot wasn't here either. Kaz wondered absentmindedly if the Russian had chosen to join the rest of the men in the canteen instead. Closing his eyes briefly, Kaz dispelled the thought, simply enjoying standing side by side with Snake, free from professional conversation for just this moment. 

Finally, Big Boss broke the silence. "You know, Kaz, it's always good to take a break once in a while." 

His tone was mild; unconcerned, even, as if the line had been a simple conversational starter, with no cause for further analysis. Kaz knew better. Snake had never been a particularly conversational man, even in happier days. Now, he rarely spoke, except to discuss military concerns and strategies. 

He didn't mean to, but an undercurrent of defensiveness and wariness had found its way into his voice when Kaz replied. "I'm fine, Boss. You're back with us now; everything will go fine now. We just have to each play our part." 

For a moment Snake looked at Kaz with a heavy look in his dark eyes, contemplating. Then he sighed. "Kaz..." He said, somehow managing to both convey exasperation and worry simultaneously. It was a tone that someone else frequently took with Kaz nowadays. Someone who was known for being Big Boss' other top adviser. 

Suspicion roiled, thick and unpleasant, in Kaz's gut. 

Sensing Kaz's hostility, Snake sighed again. "Ocelot told me something the other day," He started. 

And revulsion reared its ugly head, making Kaz set his jaw and clench his fist. "I get it. Stop." He interrupted, feeling the much more terrifying emotion of betrayal. He'd trusted Ocelot enough not to talk about what he had accidentally shared in the heat of the moment, but now he sorely regretted it. 

Big Boss wouldn't kick up such a big fuss as other lesser men that Kaz knew. Snake was an attractive man; Kaz had always had to admit that, even if it were in a generically, aesthetically appealing manner. And so, over the years, Kaz had seen both men and women fall under Snake's rugged charm, he himself unconsciously pulled into the orbit of Snake's world. As for Snake himself, well- Kaz had never walked in on him with anyone.

But Kaz couldn't live with it; couldn't live with Big Boss knowing. Even if the other man chose to pretend that nothing had ever happened after this little conversation, it would become an invisible barrier in between them, the unspeakable elephant in the room. 

Snake paused, although less out of obedience than patience, opting to take a drag out of his cigar instead of pressing the issue. Kaz swallowed hard, resolutely looking away from the other man. 

When had he begun to feel those emotions? He himself didn't know. Before, in the MSF days, it had been the female recruits that had caught his eye; women, tall, short, slender or feisty, it hadn't mattered. It had always been women, for Kaz. In those days, he had never once questioned his own feelings for Big Boss, even though he knew of the rumors that passed around Mother Base. 

Then everything had gone to hell, and even Big Boss, the best of them, had been plunged into a coma. Kaz's whole life, and the only vision he had believed in since meeting Snake, had been destroyed utterly. He supposed that it was true, what they said about never missing the important things until they were gone. 

Had it happened then, the first years by Snake's side, even though he knew he should stay away to prevent their enemies from finding him? Had it happened as Kaz had sat by his bed, first reporting his progress with the Diamond Dogs, and then finally breaking down quietly? Kaz didn't know. All he knew was that somewhere down the line, his feelings had changed from platonic brotherhood to something else. 

All he knew was the excruciating pain of only being able to sit there, holding Snake's hand, as the man on the bed slept on, not knowing when he would wake up. Knowing that it might be forever, and that he would never hear that low, gruff voice ever again. 

And Kaz knew that he couldn't run away from this anymore. 

Abruptly turning towards Big Boss, Kaz opened his mouth to speak. But the other man had already started talking. "I'm not suspecting you of anything, Kaz. I know all of what you've been doing. And I'm thankful for it, but Ocelot and I both agree that you should relieve some of your burdens. Don't run yourself to the ground. We're here for you, Kaz. And we'll need you to be with us until the end." 

Oh. Kaz opened his mouth again, then closed it. A strange feeling was stuck in his chest, and at the back of his throat. He didn't know whether he was glad or disappointed that Snake hadn't given him the opportunity to speak first. 

All the same, the words brought a heady warmth that Kaz hadn't felt in a long time. "Thanks, Boss." He managed, finally looking Snake in the eye. Big Boss' dark eye were filled with sincerity, his lips shaped in a strangely fond smile. The wind had turned cold as the first rays of moonlight shone on the platform. The faint sound of laughter, shouts and music echoed from afar, a world away. Unconsciously, Kaz stepped closer to Big Boss. 

Something was about to happen. Anticipation slowed Kaz's breath, and shivers darted down his phantom fingers. 

Fixated on Snake's lone eye, Kaz watched as hesitation came and passed, until the characteristic gritty determination settled in. Kaz held his breath, suddenly inexplicably anxious.

Then, under the moonlight, Snake closed the remaining distance between them with a kiss. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise...? I'm not sure how many ppl r still searching up fics in the fandom but I was watching playthroughs of tpp and was suddenly like, shit I gotta at least try to finish this - !

Kazuhira Miller knew the taste of betrayal. 

Oh yes, he had supped on it long and hard in those terrible years where it had been one of his only true bedfellows, sleeping beside guilt and fear and the unrelenting hunger for vengeance. If anyone had asked the Kazuhira Miller then, he would have answered without hesitation that nothing worse could befall him. 

He should've known better than to tempt fate. 

The end came in the form of a box deposited on his table. On closer inspection, the label 'Ocelot' wrenched a scowl from Kaz's tired frame. It'd been a long day; the two right hand men had hunched over mountains of paperwork and information with scarce a table between them, verbally assisting Big Boss on his mission. Halfway through, the other man had left to settle 'other' things that God only knew about -leaving Kaz with all the work. 

And now some upstart errand soldier had misplaced the Russian's belongings on his desk. Fine. Whether it was by mistake or design, Kaz cared not. He would send the parcel off with another messenger later - but not before finding out what the fuck Ocelot had been so busy doing for the last few hours in the process.

As he bent over to pull the box open, the mail print on the sealing tape caught his eye. OH. For a moment his mind flew back into the recesses of the past; to sunsets by the shore in Columbia, to muttered secrets in darkened forests, to dreams born and gone in fields of lilies and fire. 

Then the stray thoughts were ripped away as his penknife cut through the tape, revealing the box's contents. 

Inside, a stack of paperwork with the Diamond Dogs insignia stamped over the cover lay, scattered by the undoubtedly tumultuous journey that had landed it on his desk. Unbidden, he remembered the pride that had filled his heart fit to burst the first time the MSF insignia was printed and used in an official document. 

These days, the pride with which he wore the emblem on his sleeve was overshadowed by the terrible reminder of why they wore it. It was tainted for them all. 

Attempting to banish the thoughts and not quite succeeding, Kaz leafed through the pages. 

He thought he'd exhausted all the ways a man could shelve and reorder his memories in those nine years, when obsessively reconstructing the narrative for what happened had been the only way to take his mind off destructive thoughts. Alone in his bed at night, Kaz had relieved and agonized over every single goddamn decision that had led to their dreams going up in flames. 

God knows he'd had enough time for that. 

Frustrated and scarcely knowing why, he reshuffled the documents as best he could with one functioning hand. As much as he wished otherwise - do you really, can you really withstand another betrayal? Isn't that why you're always so ready to accuse, because you can't bear to be disappointed? - there was nothing suspicious in there; just another set of reports about Big Boss' next mission. 

Kaz reached over to shove the papers back into the box, not quite disappointed -

-and heard the sound of something else being driven into a corner. Frowning, he rustled around in the box and picked it up.

It was a cassette tape. 

Well, that was common enough on Mother Base. Even besides official documenting purposes, they were effective recreational tools. No matter how united they all were in their pursuit of vengeance, no army could sustain itself on hatred alone. Music had always been a good morale-booster that Kaz used to his advantage, even if he himself could no longer pick up a guitar and strum the bad days away. 

Though, because this was in Ocelot's box, he was placing his bets firmly on the former. The image of the interrogator singing and - god forbid, dancing around in those ridiculously impractical spurs of his conjured a surge of glee Kaz didn't care to examine too closely. Shit, what if this is Ocelot's secret mixtape? 

But it wasn't until he read the words that labeled the tape that his interest was well and truly piqued. 

Scrawled across the front of the cassette on double-sided tape were the words: From The Man Who Sold The World. 

That handwriting... Kaz knew that handwriting. 

That's right. 

In their line of work it was hard to argue that the pen was mightier than the sword, and it was usually Kaz who did the written records, anyway. But when you worked in such close quarters with a man for a decade, his handwriting was the least you could learn about him. 

It wasn't even something Kaz had noticed on purpose. He supposed he'd always had a knack for these kind of things; flipping handwritten notes over, memorizing the stylistics, forging letters and signatures - he'd been doing it since he was a kid running around town, playing errand boy for his mother's customers to earn a little spare change. 

Snake... Out of all the violent, terrible (exhilarating, awing) things that the Boss could do with his hands, writing was rarely one of them. What was inside this tape he was giving to Ocelot that was personal enough to warrant his own script? 

A bitter taste that was becoming all too familiar tainted Kaz's mouth at the thought. It was irrational, and he knew it. 

His relationship with Snake hadn't changed for the worse as he feared; in fact it had barely changed at all. Snake had accepted their new dynamic with more ease than expected. 

Kaz remembered how Big Boss used to disapprove of his womanizing ways - back then he'd always put it down to an innate, ironic desire for romantic - or at least sexual - stability in Snake's own subconscious. But even now, Snake never attempted to redefine their relationship. 

And there was always Ocelot, and the odd, undefined waters between them. Ever since that birthday celebration, the interrogator had given them their space in Kaz's room, though not without shooting him a knowing smirk first. It was as infuriating as ever, and his consideration only made Kaz ever more inquisitive about the Russian's past with Big Boss. 

And beyond that, the thing between them... Ocelot's distance and indifference was all the more maddening for his ambiguous stares and smirks. It drove him crazy that he could never get a good read on Ocelot for long before he immediately did something that destroyed the basis of all his assumptions. Most of the time Kaz didn't know whether he wanted to fuck him or fuck with him - or if he even wanted to do either at all. 

But what more do you want, what more can you want with this broken body, made unwhole?

Turning the cassette over in his hand, Kaz weighed the potential costs to his relationship with Ocelot against the benefits of satisfying his instinct to uncover what the tape contained. 

Eventually, curiosity won out. 

(He should've known that curiosity always killed the cat. )

And so Kaz put his headphones on and inserted the tape. 

And then he listened. 

Listened; to the spoken confession of the man who he'd built his life around for what seemed like a lifetime (no, two, one). To the man who had beaten him down into the dust, then given him a hand and a purpose. To the man whom he had called a partner - and wanted to mean it, in every sense of the word. 

To the man who had taken his life and his limbs in those nine long years where he'd walked around a hollow man, trying to fill the gnawingly empty space within himself by standing in his place before the men, and mostly failing on both accounts. 

But of course from Big Boss' mouth it was all a noble thing, the right thing to do. The voice - that fucking voice. He heard a dozen differences in nuance and intonation now, but he'd never doubted it even once before - that elucidated his betrayal was clear and controlled. 

Big Boss was glorifying and praising what he had done for him, in his place, and it stung all the more because the irony was: once, Kaz would've done anything to receive that same speech. 

It wasn't just the way Big Boss had with words; though for a man of such palpable physical prowess he did have a strange talent for breaking and rebuilding someone with speech alone. 

But when Big Boss spoke to someone, he saw right through their facades and defenses - and hit somewhere all too vulnerable. 

Even through the cheapened quality of a recorded tape, even long after - days, months, years... God, how long had he known? How long had Kaz alone been kept from the truth? - its delivery, Kaz could feel a familiar heat flowing through his veins at his words. 

It was why all those men and women, each one more different from the last, fell at his feet and pledged their lives to his vision: Big Boss saw who they were, stripped down to the core. 

And the knowledge that for just one moment someone had seen their soul with complete, utter clarity and accepted it all - it was enough to make most of them follow him for the silver of another chance at the experience. 

Kaz knew that. In those early days, he'd followed Big Boss everywhere with the intention of mapping and learning the key to his compelling charisma - only to eventually come to the realization that it wasn't something that could be picked up by proximation. And along the way, with each triumph Kaz found in eliciting something new from Big Boss, he realized that he had only revealed more of himself in exchange. 

It was irrational. Never show more cards than the opponent, and always pull out of the game before the profits went subnormal. That was Economics 101. And hadn't Kaz always advertised himself as a businessman? Yet he'd persisted in a losing deal for a decade, because - no. It was unspeakable now. 

And for what? Trembling fingers ejected the cassette. What did I spend a decade of my life doing? 

In his agitation to stand, the crutch slipped out of his shaking grip and connected against the table leg with a loud clang. A few months ago, when his return had been fresh, this kind of din would've summoned a few concerned soldiers. After all, no one wanted to find their subcommander dead or injured alone in his own office after their Boss had finally returned just because they'd been negligent. 

Kaz had hated it; most of the time he thought the weakness it forced him to show was worse than the disability itself. 

At least no one would interrupt him now. He'd shut down the first few interlopers hard and fast enough for them to learn to leave him by himself by now. 

Upending the entire box onto his desk, Kaz discovered another tape lying amid the mess of paperwork. This one was simply labeled: Truth Tapes. Kaz's heart thudded in his ears. He had the instinctive premonition that once he listened to whatever terrible secrets recorded within, life for him would be forever altered.

But Kazuhira Miller had never been one to shy away from the truth. No, he had to know, and he had to know it now. 

Kaz sat back down, shut his eyes, and listened. 

With his eyes closed, the world was pitch black once again. In that world of utter certainty, he could almost pretend he was there with them as they discussed the implementation of their covert plans. He could almost pretend that he'd known all along, that he hadn't been deliberately excluded from something so important to him, that neither Big Boss nor Ocelot considered him trustworthy or deserving of the knowledge -

-Nine years. For nine fucking years in his prime he'd mourned and guarded their dream. And what had been the use of that? Big Boss had spat on everything he'd dedicated his life to while he was lying in a hospital bed somewhere, dead to the world, by sending a mockery in his place to Kaz. 

And the worst thing was, Kaz had fallen for it all, head over toes.

Without the barest moment of suspicion, he had accepted the Phantom; accepted his rescue with gratitude, accepted his pity, accepted his - oh god what did he do, what did he let him do... 

There were so many thoughts and emotions whirling through his mind like a hurricane that all Kaz could do was sit in his chair, still except for an erratic tremor at the tips of his fingers. He knew that if he moved, he might lose the minuscule simulacrum of control he retained, and do something he would regret eventually. 

No. Kaz refused to let Big Boss take the remainder of his control - no matter how pitifully weak - away from him like this. 

And that was how Ocelot found him; sitting silently in his seat, face unreadable behind the shield of his tinted aviators, staring into thin air. 

The jingling of those trademark spurs alerted Kaz to company, but he didn't move a muscle. 

Silence hung thick in the air of the room, uncomfortable and restless. On another other day, Kaz would have snapped something at Ocelot by now, and received a wry retort in return. To assume that the interrogator was unnerved was a stretch, but the unbroken silence suggested that he was thrown off by Kaz's uncharacteristic behavior.

Good, Kaz thought savagely. A little uncertainty was the least of what he deserved for what they had done. 

He waited until the tension had grown into something truly heavy and oppressive before destroying it. 

'Did you know?' Kaz spat the question out. 

As soon as the words were out he regretted the heat behind them. Ocelot wasn't some rookie soldier he could shout into submission. There was no use in raising his voice with him; if anything the Russian might just read the weakness masquerading as anger and report it to Big Boss - 

Kaz gritted his teeth, an ugly, self-deprecating sound. He half expected Ocelot to laugh in his face, and taunt him with all the things Big Boss had entrusted him over Kaz. 

Ocelot didn't laugh. He didn't frown, either. His face was completely devoid of sentiment as he replied, 'Yes.' 

The simplicity and detachment of his answer sparked the growing agitation crawling underneath Kaz's skin. His crutch tottered dangerously against the concrete floor as he lurched upright abruptly. 

'So you sent it to me on purpose.' Because we both knew I would listen to it. The implications galled him. Was he really so transparent, so predictable, so manipulable? 'Why?'

'Did he tell you to do it? Has his conscience finally awoken?' Kaz demanded, unable to keep the bitter derision from his voice. 

But even as the thought occurred to him, he dismissed it. As much as he wanted to believe that... Kaz remembered Big Boss' evasiveness about Eva, and how he'd never heard Ocelot's name mentioned before in all their years together. 

Being together with Big Boss, knowing that the great shadow he cast loomed over all else in sight... It was intoxicating and empowering enough to make one forget that no one ever really stood beside Big Boss, only behind him - and that they were never alone in that illusion. He'd had the epiphany the first time he directly contacted Ocelot - in the way the Russian talked about their mutual partner, Kaz had seen himself. 

The worst thing was, Kaz couldn't even in conscience pin all the blame on Big Boss. It wasn't that he deliberately led them into delusions of grandeur, only to discard them into the sobering waters of reality - no man, not even one with as much raw charisma as him could do that and still retain the long-standing loyalty they were all living testimonies of. 

No, Snake came and Big Boss went, with a careless certainty that never failed to inspire the same in the hearts of men and women who cared for him. 

For nine years Kaz had waited for him without any promise that he would even wake up. Ocelot had known him even longer without direct contact, and he only worked with Kaz because he must've still trusted Big Boss' judgement. 

It would be funny if they weren't both still here, fighting over a man whom neither of them had really seen in years. 

'John said not to tell you yet,' Ocelot replied cryptically. He was still standing in the doorway, staring abstractly at Kaz, as if gauging the distance between them. 'You knowing would only complicate things at this stage.' 

And just what the fuck was that supposed to mean? The simmering fire crackled into flames at the perceived taunt. 'Well, go on then. Why did you - if you both think you know what's best for me -'

'But I don't always do what he says.' 

Ocelot took a step forward. Instinctively, Kaz's hand clenched into a white-knuckled grip over his crutch. He hadn't felt truly threatened by the interrogator in a long while, but his face was perfectly unreadable right now. 

'So, what's this? You gonna kill me now? Is that what he ordered you to do if I found out, Adam?' 

Even Kaz himself didn't know how serious his own words were. Sure, Big Boss had once promised to end him himself if it ever came down to it, but he hadn't accounted for a nine year coma to come between them. Nor had he accounted that someone would arrange a body double in his place. He hadn't accounted for a lot of things, least of all the consequences of his decision to keep Kaz out of the whole business. 

But maybe he had for Kaz's possible betrayal. Maybe Big Boss had a contingency plan specially crafted just for him, in case he reacted uncontrollably and threatened to leave with all of their secrets. And maybe Ocelot had used that to get rid of him early.

(But after Cipher - surely a man as astute as Big Boss could tell that he'd thrown in all his cards with them, and that betrayal was out of the picture. Where could Kaz go to now, how could he abandon their dream -)

(And Ocelot. Had it all been an act? If it was all just for show, surely he could've done more to sweeten their relationship. But maybe that would've only made Kaz more suspicious -) 

A flash of surprise lit up Ocelot's blue eyes at the use of his name, before fading into something that looked suspiciously alike to amusement. 

'That's uncalled for, Kazuhira. Against my better judgement... I do dislike you more than I should.' 

The interrogator was right in front of him now. Despite the ventilation of the fan above, Kaz felt cold sweat slide down his back. If he wants a fight, that's what he'll get. As long as Ocelot didn't show actual killing intent... Kaz was confident he could take him alone. It wasn't as if he spent all his days holed up in the office now, just because he was physically compromised now - 

For a moment, he swore they both thought they were going to fight it out then and there. 

Then Ocelot's gaze dipped down. On autopilot, Kaz followed it down to his lips. Oh? He bit down hard enough to draw blood to still their trembling. Their eyes met, a mutual challenge. 

To say who began the match would be impossible. As a rush of adrenaline filled his veins, all Kaz could feel were two district sensations: the building pressure of the table edge digging roughly into his skin, and the hot wet wrong magnetism between their mouths.

His fingers were clutched tight in Ocelot's gray hair, but for the life of him he couldn't have said who held them there. Everything was a blur; the distant buzzing of helicopters circling Mother Base, the office spinning around on an invisible axis - and them, standing at the centre of it all. 

His hand slid down to cup the back of Ocelot's neck, then his face. It was indescribable, the urge he suddenly had to feel the warmth of another living body pressed up against his. It was different from the usual loneliness that had made him welcome the embrace of strangers, once. 

Here in this rare moment of privacy on their public base, his need was a whole another monster; a depthless, hollow well thirsting for a sustaining elixir he had no name for.

And so Kaz joined their mouths together like puzzle pieces never meant to fit, feeling the tangible brush of his rust-orange shirt against his elbow, grasping the side of Ocelot's face as his thumb moved over the carotid artery, counting the grounding beats of his pulse, 65 70 75. 

It occurred to Kaz that they'd never been so quiet, so still with each other, alone. With Ocelot, it was always heated arguments over ~~Big Boss~~ administrative decisions, embarrassingly messy make-outs in concealed corners of Mother Base, and the endlessly frustrating things he did that never failed to rile Kaz up. 

Now, the interrogator was jarringly silent as they broke apart. There was a wry, sad little smile playing at the corner of his lips when Kaz glanced up. 

Clasping a gloved hand around Kaz's fingers, Ocelot guided them down - 

-to rest above his heart. 

... Okay. That definitely wasn't what he'd been expecting. 

Kaz swallowed, then parted his wet lips experimentally. 'What? Are we playing high school confessions now?' 

He was trying to play it off as a joke, remembering all the times he'd pulled the same trick on his conquests as a teenager. Look, touch it for yourself. Can you feel how my heart beats for you? It was cheesy, but it'd worked more than a few times when he paired it with his perfected smile. And usually led to a whole another kind of touching... 

But that was all in the past. He couldn't imagine sliding into his old foolish, over-confident flirtatious self ever again. There was no space in his heart left for that. Besides, who would welcome advances from someone like him? 

Yet now, Ocelot's cold hand was pressing Kaz's fingers against his own heart. It was too intimate; more than any connection he'd felt fighting over Big Boss, more than any frustration fueled fumble in the shadows.

And it scared Kaz how much he wanted the interrogator say what he yearned to hear. 

Ocelot didn't crack a smile at his attempt at flippancy. He looked serious, and - resigned, in a way Kaz had never seen before. This wasn't the wry, annoyed Ocelot that surfaced after an argument over Mother Base's latest monthly budget. 

'Do you remember when I stopped you, before?' 

Kaz could think of a dozen instances off the top of his head - but then he realized what the Russian meant. Oh. The kitchen - Snake's birthday party - 

'Yeah?' He hoped the agitated tremor in his voice wasn't as obvious as it was to him himself. 

At that, Ocelot finally smiled, a thin affair more parts grimace than grin. 

'I know what I want. Do you?' 

And there, there was that usual anger, bursting into flames under the macabre cage of his ribs, right where Ocelot's hand was holding his own down. 'What the fuck do you mean by that!?' Stop acting like you know what to do with me better than I do myself, when it's both your faults that I'm this way now. Because you decided you didn't trust me enough -

'Even now, you're still thinking about him. Aren't you, Kazuhira Miller?' Ocelot's hold around his hand tightened, hard enough to crush bone. His expression was as cold as his grip, but his eyes betrayed an uncharacteristic insistence. 

Almost as if he wanted Kaz to deny it as much as Kaz himself was trying to. 

And of course he was. He couldn't even pretend to have to stop to think about it. For a decade now, Big Boss had been a permanent fixture in his thoughts. It was gotta prep the papers for Snake's mission tomorrow before he succumbed to sleep at his desk, and to conduct briefing at command platform for the men at 10 before Boss comes back first thing in the morning. 

And now - what else could he think of, except for the man whom he had dedicated over a decade to now? He couldn't leave Mother Base - couldn't leave Diamond Dogs. He needed their men as much as they needed his leadership - or at least his organization skills as Sub-Commander. It was his purpose; had been ever since MSF's Mother Base was destroyed in that sea of fire. 

Even with the knowledge of his betrayal, what could Kaz do? The thought simmered in the back of his mind as he worked at a satisfactory answer. 

But for now, Kaz was also thinking about the man in front of him. He was thinking of Revolver Ocelot, and for perhaps the first time not in relation to Big Boss - because Ocelot had unwittingly acknowledged the thing between them first. 

Ocelot's simple words had brought the suppressed tension swimming between them right up to the surface. Between Kaz's repression and Ocelot's appearance of aloofness, maybe they'd both been denying their mutual attraction for too long. 

That was something Kaz could concentrate on. They might have met only because of him, but whatever their relationship evolved into was something Big Boss had no claim over. 

And... Well. Because shoving the issue aside had been convenient, Kaz had complacently assumed that this channel with Ocelot would always be open while simultaneously maintaining his relationship with him. 

And look where he'd ended up with that?

Maybe it was time to clear the air, once and for all. If Ocelot - If he - And yet - 

If the tapes were anything to go by, Ocelot hadn't been by Big Boss' side for a long time either. And yet Kaz saw no sign of the Russian questioning his faith in the dream.

'How do you decide to do it?' The words tore out of his throat before he could think better of it. 

'Do what?' 

'Not think about him.' 

It sounded juvenile. It sounded pathetic. 

But it was perfectly true.

If I were somewhere else, far away from all of this... For a moment, Kaz allowed his mind to linger beyond the fringes of pragmatism. A timely retirement. Somewhere - not peaceful, no place on earth was ever going to be peaceful for him again, but - quiet. A place where no one would do a double-take when they saw his Japanese eyes with his white skin. A place without - 

-but here, here, Big Boss was everywhere.

On Mother Base, his shadow loomed over them all. Hell, those 1984 posters he'd ordered to be plastered all over the platforms probably hadn't hurt either - but it was more than that. 

Here at the centre of their operations and dreams, every soldier carried the image and purpose of Big Boss, branded into their minds and hearts with his intangibly raw charisma that seared deeper than any individual will. 

And for Kaz... It was a hundred times worse for all the ways he'd let Snake in. 

He remembered what Ocelot had said, about Quiet. Maybe that was the problem - he too had seen past the awing veneer of the legend and glimpsed the raw, beating animal heart beneath. Once, the knowledge that Snake revealed more about himself to Kaz than any other soldier in MSF had been heady; a reassuring reward of his worth to the Boss that never failed to reignite the flame he held in his heart for their shared dream. 

And now, it only poisoned the memory of everything they once stood for all the more. 

'How do you continue believing in him when you've already seen - through him?' 

The admission left a bitter taste in his mouth, but there was no doubt in Kaz's mind that the interrogator was privy to as many secrets of Snake's as he was - or even more. 

A beat of silence, not quite uncomfortable, passed between them. 

Then, 'Do you know how I met John?' 

Kaz shot a glance up at the Russian. His expression had regained a calm that mirrored his even tone. 

Wordlessly, he gestured for the other man to go on. 

Over the soundtrack of the rhythmically whipping blades of the overhead fan, Kaz listened as Ocelot told him the tale his curiosity had long plagued him with. The golden rays of the evening sun snuck through the slits of the curtain, bathing the interrogator's frame in a warm, nostalgic glow. 

As he listened, he watched a complicated pattern of emotions weave across Ocelot's face. The Russian had never struck him as a reliable storyteller - of course, in his line of work, deceit was the name of the game - but now Kaz found his well-honed suspicion radar surprisingly appeased. 

It wasn't as much of the sincerity of Ocelot's words - really, Kaz wouldn't put it past him to have embellished or brushed over certain details completely - but the way he said it. 

It was in the fond, uncontainable curve of his mouth as he narrated his first meeting with Big Boss in the wilderness of Tselinoyarsk, in the electric light of his blue eyes as he recounted their fights, in the soft pride with which he detailed their exchange of first names; it was a natural, humane emotion that even the spymaster couldn't hide completely. 

Ocelot loved Snake. No, that was too little to fully describe the measure of his feelings; it was no simple 好き, but a 愛しい that could only grow from a mutual understanding between equals. 

Equals. Could anyone ever truly be an equal to a larger-than-life figure like Big Boss? It was a question Kaz had asked and reassured with himself repeatedly in all their years together. 

Snake had on no occasion told him his civilian name, but Kaz never asked for it either. To him, Snake was the nickname he was privileged to use. They were fellow soldiers living a life of constant war - he couldn't imagine a civilian life for them together. 

'I didn't tell you this to hold myself above you,' Ocelot was explaining. 'But do you understand now, Miller? We can't define our relationship without first determining our own with him.' 

There was an uncertain crease to his brow that Kaz recognized as doubt. With a rush of unnameable emotion (relief? despair?) he realized that despite circling around it all this while, they were ultimately unable to answer the question Ocelot had just posited. 

And suddenly, a vicious urge surged within him to settle this once and for all. All he wanted to do was to wipe away all the terrible, glorious deeds Big Boss had done and the indelible impressions he left on them. 

The first threads of the plan that would consume the rest of his life with the singular purpose of vengeance began to weave together in his mind.

But first... Just this time - maybe it wasn't always about Big Boss. 

Under the evening light everything was washed in a faded sepia tint, as if this present moment was already a negative film strip safely in the collection of a future where all of this was inconsequential. 

In this single, immortal moment in the unforgiving slipstream of time, anything could happen because it didn't matter. 

Except... He did. 

This man Revolver Ocelot had been a grudgingly tolerated eyesore from the start of their reluctant cooperation for Big Boss' sake. Kaz should still hate him, or at least relish the opportunity to hold the interrogator's revealed weakness against him, for his quest for revenge. Wasn't that all he craved now? 

(Then what was the irrational irritation that surged within him whenever Ocelot's stupid scarf swept too far up when the wind rose and revealed his collarbones, shining sweat-slick under the summer sun? What was the strange perturbation he felt whenever Ocelot failed to show up with a speech unfailingly contrary to Kaz's own before the men?)

Maybe neither of them could find meaning in a life out of Big Boss' shadow. But that didn't mean they couldn't steal a bit of solace in each other's company. 

Ocelot's cool blue eyes were tinged with the slightest hint of emotion. Kaz stared at them for a moment, recalling the way they had lit up his monochromatic world with electric light and infused their rivalry with the first pull of desire.

'Don't overestimate yourself, Adamska. You can't distract me from this.' 

With that, Kaz pulled the interrogator in for one more biting kiss. 

-

By the time he made for the office door, capping his beret over his rumpled hair, night had fallen. As the door swung open, a rush of chilly nighttime wind swept in reminded him of the cold reality that awaited him beyond. Kaz sighed, tightening the coat over his frame as best he could. 

He was halfway across the platform when Ocelot called out to him. 

'Miller!' 

The sound turned a few heads from the couple of soldiers on night duty, but they looked away upon recognizing the interrogator. 

Grounding the crutch into the ground, Kaz manages to execute an on-the-spot half turn. 

In the distance, Ocelot stands with a hand on the doorknob, his face unreadable. The light from within the office cast a surreal aura of authority around the Russian as he continued, 'Go see the Boss tomorrow. He'll be waiting for you.' 

And so they were back to the usual routine. Big Boss' two hounds, circling one round the other while their master watched in the distance, an omnipotent phantom that was never really there at all. 

(But it was what it had to be. The men never questioned their Boss and Commanding Officer's tactile relationship because it was a relic of their old dynamic back in the days of MSF, but with Kaz and Ocelot? No, he couldn't risk Diamond Dogs discovering their Boss for the false phantom that he was - not if he wanted his revenge played right -

Between Ocelot and Kaz, their rivalry was to stay.)

Which one? He caught the bitter question on the tip of his tongue, and released it into the starless sky above instead like an unspoken prayer he no longer had the faith to put into words. 

Then Kaz turned and walked away alone.

His dreams that night were plagued by the vivid silhouette of him disappearing into the dark distance, with the blue-eyed feline following close behind abruptly turning around and pulling back to walk beside him. And then, out of the red mist, a hazy shape so blurred at the edges that it was as if someone had hastily stuffed it with static white noise in an attempt to fill the empty void within. 

When it turned, its twisted features were a mockery of its master's. Its horn shone, sticky with still-slick blood. Its mouth moved, shaping a word: Kaz. But it was the wrong voice; it sounded too hollow, too empty, not him not him not him. 

When it pulled its eyepatch away, he expected anything from a whole, hale eye to a demonic red glow mirroring the bloody mist that surrounded it. But there was only an endless tunnel flashing black and white in alternates like a film camera gone haywire, until the world was subsumed and he was sucked into a dizzying kaleidoscope of monochromacy. 

Kaz opened his eyes to the sound of his talkpiece flaring to life. 

'The Boss - he's back, sir!' The hasty report blared out, before fading to a static buzz. 

Kaz blinked, wondering if he was still disoriented from his dreams. 

The world before him was painted in shades of black and white once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
